RANSVESTIA

to let me wear a woman's nightgown to bed occasionally to see if that would solve "my problem."

I rejoiced at this softening of her attitude and every week or so when she seemed in the right mood, I wore the nightgown for a night. My real desire was to dress as completely as possible like a woman but I held my peace, thankful for this much progress. After several months the nightgown became an irritant to her. We were expecting our first child soon and so rather than continuing to upset her I stopped wear- ing it and disposed of it.

The baby arrived, the construction project ended and at last we had saved the downpayment for the house. Moving into a small home of our own now made it possible to find hiding places for a small war- drobe of feminine clothes. But despite the psychiatrist's suggestion that I dress in secret if necessary, I was loath to resort to such covert activity. My wife was also a Christian and I preferred that my cross- dressing be done with her knowledge to avoid any hint of deception or dishonesty. So once again I brought up the subject and requested her permission to dress alone once a month in the privacy of our home, suggesting I do so out of her sight in the spare bedroom. Once again she became greatly distressed and countered that after I had worn the nightgown for awhile she had hoped I had gotten it out of my system and wouldn't be thinking about such things any more. I calmly and carefully reviewed the seriousness of my problem and all the factors involved. She became increasingly agitated and finally cut me off say- ing, "We're just not going to talk about this anymore and that's final!"

Achingly I retreated. I was sick at heart but not angry with her. She had married me in good faith and had not bargained for this bizarre side of my life. Her dreams of love and marriage were now be- ing fulfilled with our little home, the stability of an adequate income, the nice vacation we had recently had together and the new-found joy in our baby daughter. She wanted to settle down in peace and enjoy life, not grapple with this monstrous problem I kept bringing up. It was something she could not accept emotionally and she had now shut the door on it for the foreseeable future.

In my moments of solitude in the following weeks I prayed for help as to what to do next. I prayed for courage, for emotional stability, for sympathetic understanding of the needs of my wife, for an attitude of reasonableness in working toward a solution that would prevent further heartbreak. I remember reading the Scripture, ". . . love is

10